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This blog is dead!!! I moved it to my new blog in http://haqqi.net. Thank you for reading this blog. Hope you will read my new blog too.

My True Feeling about "F"

Oct 8, 2008

-Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget-

That statement is absolutely true (for me). Although that statement comes in sequence, I experienced it from the 3rd clause. Here it is:

When I was in first year in Junior High School, when I didn't have any good friends, I just walking around and didn't try to get any friend. I didn't feel lonely because I was an individual person. I did anything by myself, and I didn't try to get any help from others. I used to think that I am genius and don’t need anyone. I entertain myself by playing computer games. So I absolutely didn’t think that “Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget”.

Ok, it comes when my first year in Senior High School. I sat beside my friend from same class in Junior High School. I didn’t know him too much before, because like I said, I was an individual person. After that, we became close friends. But, we weren’t too close. Again, because I was an individual person, I can’t believe anyone but myself. We just studied and played together, but I didn’t share any my secret to him.

It starts when I share my secret to him. I loved a girl in the same school but different class. He encouraged me to become closer with her, but again, I was an individual person. I didn’t know how to talk with a pretty girl, especially to one I loved. Flowing naturally, I became closer with her and she knew that I loved her (maybe). But I still didn’t have any confidence to confess.

Ok…ok…I will tell you about my other friend. Let say the first sat beside me is F***r, I call him here as “F”. The other that is F’s friend (also mine) from Elementary High School is H***a, I call him here as “H” (H, if you read this, please just be silent, don’t give any comment… haha… cause I think you know it… This is just my written feeling). In this post, H isn't too important. Let continue, H was in the same Junior and Senior High School as me. Both of them are nice person, and I am happy being their friend. Back to the topic, why I experienced “good-friends(s)-are-impossible-to-forget”?

We were a trio of advanced computer users in Senior High School. We used to play together, we had same hobbies. But I have been thinking that I have more similarity with F than H. We like computer, music, games, etc. We used to play in the same band, called Ch***er, I was in guitar, F was in bass guitar. The problem starts 2-3 months before “her” sweet seventeenth birthday, and the exact time is when we set up for Film Festival.

At the second year, I separated from F, and I was in same class with H. The most unlucky thing is F is in the same class with “her” (I think that calling her as “her” is quite difficult, I will call her as “Y”, cause her true name is Y****). At the beginning, I don't think that this is a bad thing. I will use this opportunity to know more about Y. But... Ok, in the preparation-road-to-film-festival, F as the director, Y as the actress (the festival was for class film, so I was preparing for my class too). Someday after finishing some scene, I saw that they had just finished their scene. Looking for good chance, I planned to go home with Y (cause we are in the same route to go home).

Here is the case, I waited her so long in the outside of school, (maybe) F already knew my plan. After waiting so long, I saw her walking to us (I was with H, cause we are in the same route too). I hailed a “mikrolet” and waited again for her. She was walking in the constant pace, I knew that she will go home with us. But, I saw F asked her to go home with F, ride AL (I and H rode ADL, but the final destination is same, to Landungsari, showed as letter “L” in the name). Shit, bastard, fuck, etc… that were in my feeling. In my head, the J-Rock’s song titled “Sahabat” was being played so loud. It was like enemy-behind-the-blanket (maybe).

The next day, I stop talking to F and being silent. Several days after that, he knew that he had made a mistake to me, and little by little he didn’t appear beside Y. But I didn’t get anything, why he was so silent too, why he didn’t apologize to me, why he didn’t say anything to me if they didn’t do like I thought. It made me more and more hate him. I stopped asking band practice, and when he came to my class, I just walking around and avoiding him. I was thinking that he must die, he must disappear from the world, he must …. ah!!! I really hate him.

Do you know “The Secret”, a film created by Rhonda Blaine? It said that whatever we feel, as the pressure of our feeling is big, and getting bigger and bigger, a thing that we felt will becoming true. That works on me, after thinking “that”, do you know what happened?

Several days (or weeks) after that, at evening, I got a call by my friend in Ch***er band. Do you know what he said? “Hey Haqqi, your friend, your friend, F, is died by traffic accident…”. Zzzaaapp… Do you know what I felt? I didn’t know how I had to feel. Am I happy, or am I had to feel sad? I was really confused. I immediately went to F’s home to see what has been happened, and I asked H to go with me. When burying him, I still didn’t know how I had to feel. When my friends encourage me, I thought why I had to be encouraged. Sometime before, I was thinking that F must disappear from the world, and it happened.

The other that I regret is I treated H like H isn’t “modern” and social person, and I little by little went away from him (maybe because H can’t play any instrument). I made friend with another that I thought good in society (of course in instrument too). Of course, little by little H also went away from me.

Good friends are impossible to forget
Several months after that until now, I have been thinking, why that accident had to be happened. F was my best friend, not someone like J-Rock’s song said, someone that act like enemy-behind-the-blanket that aiming to get my lovely Y. I have been thinking, before F and Y went home together, we were close, we (also with H) were the best close friend in school, like everyone said. If we are together, no one could defeat us.

Many good things are turning around my head, they are my best friends, why should they go away from me, they are my another soul, why I thought that they are creepy before, why I went away from them. Because of them I can be more creative. They (especially F) are always one step in front of me in everything. That makes me always improve my skills.

But now, I am doing everything with constant rate, constant pace. Whenever I think why am I like this, I always remember them, remember F who has been died, remember H who studied in another city. I can’t forget them. They are my inspiration, they are my destination. I do know all of that because of me.

I confuse to whom I tell my great experience now. In past, I used to tell F that I had already a good experience. Now, when I feel I have a good band, I just tell it to myself. When I get great new knowledge, I just say to myself. But I want F to know it. It proves that “Good friends are impossible to forget”. And until now I am still hoping that F's beside me and we walk together to achieve our dream.

Good friends are hard to find
After losing my good friends that can’t be forgotten, I try to find another great friend that can be my destination, my inspiration, my trigger, and my closest thing. But what is happened, I can’t find anyone that match me in everything. I am alone again. I feel lonely. I try to treat myself just like individual person before. It works, but sometime that memory comes again. Memories of F & H. It makes me understand that “Good friends are hard to find”.

Good friends are harder to leave
After understanding the deep meaning of that two clauses, I can imagine how hard to leave good friends. After having found good friends, I thing it would harder and harder to leave them.

Ok, I will cheer up myself before I get best friends. And I will never stop improving myself.